The enlightenment given by my mother has opened my mind to understand myself better. Hitherto, I only discern my existence as a homosexual. I never once thought that myself is a transgender or anything connected therewith. I was just careless to learn about the differences between homosexual and transgender, differences between sexual orientation and gender identity. I've read about sexual reassignment surgery, mostly male to female. Nevertheless, I did not focus on it in a greater depth. Now that I have got the picture and contemplating with a diverse reflection, I will explore myself, more of it.

The conversation with Jacqui entered my mind. Is it a sin or is it a regulation? The day we join this world, all of us are as pure as white cloth, spotless, sinless. We grow up learning. No one is responsible to shape and colour our lives but ourselves. For all that come about, predestination is something unbearable to be achieved by our limited knowledge. It is beyond our understanding to formulate. The pearls of wisdom belong to God. It is hidden in His secrets and the knowledge exists only in Him alone. No one is capable of solving it.

Momentarily, I looked up to the sky that stretches across, unbounded. It widens without an end, extends limitless without even holding on a pole, adorned with the beauty of the glowing stars. How they scattered, hanging freely without ever depending on a rope. I, who admires the beauty of nature all the while, observing each scene and watching them, began to realize something that has never flashed in this heart to live them. Again, I admitted how great the grace of God is. Each event, there must be a Creator. Awareness for the upcoming mindfulness piercing slowly inside my chest. Unbolted purposes that never occurred to me to explain, began to take place. Yes, I wish to better appreciate.

“God the Almighty…” Quietly, my lips pronounce the Name.
“Yes, it is all the secrets of Nature. The bottom point here is the facts about what crops up in your soul and your spirit. Science and belief are two attached elements. There is a connection between the both, the truth, nobody can ever deny.” My mother sustained her descriptions.

“Does it mean, I am a transgender, rather than a homosexual?”
“I believe, you are. Homosexuality and transgenderism both happen naturally. In fact, some people born as either one. Even the brain of a trans-woman or a trans-man like you is to the opposite sex. Sex and gender are nothing similar. Many people don't get this. Do you know, in some beliefs, they believe that the spirit has its own gender?”

I looked at my mother's peaceful, loving face, gathering some courage to let out what has been disturbing my mind since forever.

“If this is the reason of how I feel, how I think, my likings, my gesture, and my romantic feeling... Of everything, mum...  Does it mean that I am a heterosexual, born in a wrong body?”
“Well, in my opinion, and through my observation, you deserve to live accordingly to your spirit, your innermost value. We were born with both body and soul. Can we alter or operate our brain, our emotional state, our spirit, our soul, to suit our bodies? No. No doctors can ever serve this. Counselling, psychotherapy, medicines, any psychological treatment won’t do, because it is the core of our being. Definitely, it is unfair to make comparisons between body and soul. Nothing similar. Yea, we are given the ability to study, create, finding treatment, remedies and surgeries. We can reach the heart, study the lungs, blood flow, the kidneys, all the organs, even the brain, but no human can ever reach the soul. No one can see far into the spirit. One thing that makes us move, think, and the most of these, it makes us ourselves, whereas the body is an object we can alter.”
"It's the home for the soul."
My mother nodded.
"And the soul needs a comfortable home. They should be in tune."
"It should be like that. How can we live happily in a home that wasn't meant for us?"
Now I get a clearer and a bigger picture.

“God the Most Glorious… I had no idea about this. Why didn’t you tell me earlier so that I understand better about the circumstances of my being?”
“Time. Today is meant to be the time.”
“Dad knows it all, isn’t he?”
“Of course. I explain to him in any given chance, suit the time. We had discussions about it, along with some arguments, for sure. But don’t worry. With time, he will get the picture. I know deep inside, he understands but his ego denies the fact. Anyway, I sense changes in his philosophy, lately.”
“Thanks, mum…”
“Don’t mention that. I’m your woman.”
“Mum… Does it mean I am not committing sins for having this feeling?”
“Theoretically, it would be a contradiction to some elements of religious perspective, but should never be forgotten here, that God has also given us a mind, the brain, the nerves that response. Why do you think that we are equipped with all these senses? The heart that feels, these eyes that see and observe? Filled out with a desire to dismantle the whole query, should there be an onset of confusion and troubles. So, my advice, have faith in God and never ever let other people's unfounded words deviate your belief. Faith is the core of everything. It made us, ourselves. Don’t ever lose it, for once you lose it, you’ll lose yourself all at once.”

Soul, spirit… it is something nobody can ever touch neither can it be seen nor altered. We believe that we are inhaling oxygen while exhaling carbon dioxide to keep on living, in which without this, nothing will survive. But, have we ever seen them? I remember when I was 12, asking my mother and she answered me;

“These all are the witnesses to the power of God the All-Knowing, and also the proof of His existence. We strongly believe that we rely on the oxygen to breathe, but can we see it? No, we cannot see it, but we feel it. Can we touch it? No, we cannot touch it, nobody can but, we are enjoying it, every second, 24/7. We can't hear it, yet we can experience it. So does our relationship with God the Almighty. We do not know where He is, somehow we know and we believe He exists. Why son, may I ask you, if you have the answer?”

It took me a few minutes to deliver the answer. However, I was locked until my mum handed me the key.

"The strongest muscle lies underneath your chest."
“It’s the heart, mother.” 
She smiled and said,
doubtless. And you have a big one, my child.”