Saturday, 25 May 2013


“Do give me a call, honey… huh, what's that supposed to mean?” Adrian started to tease me as he drove us home, commenting on the hospitality offered by the teacher towards myself. It has been predicted that I’ll get pestered by him for the scene he has sighted.
“Witnessing how she hugged you and the way she kissed your cheek before we leave, clearly hinting her feelings. Why on earth that I've missed seeing how charming you can be?” He added, bending his head slightly to me with a taunting grin.
“She was only attempting to be nice Andy, nothing else. That’s what girls always do, don’t they?”
“C’mon. I can distinguish by the expression in her optics. So obviously... very obvious, indeed. Seems she can’t take her eyes off of you. How I wish a teacher was calling and throwing me a special treatment like that.”
“And she kissed you when you scraped her car right? That states a whole heap.” Said my brother as he pulled the car to the garage. We went straight to the garden as soon as we arrived home. Empty. Mum and dad weren't at home. My two sisters, maybe they are engaged with the piano lesson or whatever, I never knew exactly what they are doing.
“I’ll grab some drink for us.” 
Adrian went to the kitchen and came back with two cans of cola.

“Nothing much to do, I feel quite bored and we still have a twelve-day break. What about camping or travelling somewhere?” My twin commenced another topic. 
In point of fact, I didn't have plans at all for the school break. Usually, I just hang around at home, taking in some flicks, or surfing the internet, manage some writing or sketching, spending my time playing guitar or piano. That’s the way I please myself. From time to time, I do some fishing, enjoying the tranquillity sitting by the river or the lake, simply by watching time flies away, appreciating the nature, musing around while waiting for the fish to catch the bait. 

This is exactly how I discover freedom and peace I'm looking for by involving myself in such activities. Far from the commotion. From people who every so often talk so much, seemly relishing from gossiping nonsense. Naturally, boring conversations like that, on the whole, ended me up in the deepest boredom. However, there is a certain kind of people who excite me to talk with. For instance, of course, Sophia, Adrian and yea, I've found to assert here, Rina, ever since the dramatic event. Classmates and schoolmates, needless to say, I have none. They were just friends I met at school, nothing more, and nothing less.

“What about fishing? Like our valuable olden days,” I suggested and brother agreed.
“That’s a sound thought. I miss fishing. Would you wish to invite your Rina? I bet she would be delighted to receive the invitation. Should be fun. A picnic by the lake, what say you?”
“Rina again… ”
“Your girlfriend…” 

His sentence made me smile, recalling the kiss I stumbled upon with my teacher before my brother came and stole the marvel away.
“She proposed to me to be her 'special someone'.” 
At last, I revealed the truth. The confusions needed to be shared since I couldn't help to keep it alone any longer.
 “Seriously?” Little shocked, on the contrary, he’s then brought out some laugh.
“Yea… but bro, there’s someone I actually think a lot of. Someone from school.”
“This is thought-provoking. You shouldn't let it to yourself, I'm your twin. Remember, there shouldn't be a line between us. We share everything.”
“Yea, that’s what I intended to bring out. Matters are not that smooth since we are apart. You do it. I feel unaided… Contrariwise, since you are here for the school break, let’s utilize the chance.”
“Positively. Nought is cloak-and-dagger between us.” 

I looked carefully at my brother’s face. The time has come to divulge what has been attacking my heart and soul, lately. The confusions, the emotions, the puzzles. I never realized how long I have been kept this inside, but since I bumped into the incident with Rina, not forgetting the sweet tête-à-tête I held with Sophia, I turned out to be heedful and sensitive of the matters. This was never an issue to me, even though I had a few hits at school before. The time has changed indeed. Little by little I realized standing in an interchange and it happened to be clearer about myself, being in a state of another transition. Love. Affection. Beyond my recognition, that was what I'm uncovering. And for that reason, I ought to keep in mind that I shouldn't let myself shudder during the transmission.

“I know I'm gay. Sad if this sounds wicked to you, but this is the truth. I can’t change this.” 
It came out at last. At that place was no response to my brother’s expression. He stayed calm on his seat, looking at me, smiling.
“Frankly, it’s not a surprise anymore to me. I recognize it long before. You don’t need to tell me, I''m well aware of it and truthfully understand you. Don't fuss too much about the issue. Whoever you are, nothing can break us. You’re my sister, my only brother. Don’t feel pressured.” 
His reaction has put me at ease. It wasn't a bolt from the blue, although it felt like I was undressing myself to my own brother. Nevertheless, there’s no one I can count on and who I can trust apart from my twin. It was just a perfect time as I was so ready to let it totally out. I'm prepared to build up an attitude, to look at the future in intense scrutiny, through a different view. There was a sensory faculty of a determination developing deep within me, to be a better me. Motivated. Yes, that's the word.

“This girl has caught my attention since she started to take care of our science class. Yes, she’s a teacher too, a new teacher in school. Beautiful. I believe I’m enamoured of her.”
Haha, don’t you have girls your age at school?”
“No one attracts me like she does. But bro, I have no inkling how to draw into her heart, I don’t even have a clue if she’s too, is a gay... and this Rina… with her confession… I feel trapped every now and then.”
“What went on last night?”
“Nothing happened, nothing serious. We broke for a dinner… I was a little drunk, but tell you… it was genuinely a tremendous evening, a brilliant talk and a harmonious dance with a wonderful woman…”
“You danced? Haha…”
“Well, yea. I invariably hold a dream to dance with a girl, for sure my dream girl... but it seemed that Rina was meant to be my first and it will be a complete lie to state that I didn’t enjoy it. I experienced a different side of her, after all.”
“You start to like her, I can tell.” Maybe there’s a truth in what Adrian has been saying, but his words could also puzzle me into further depth. 

Rina, undoubtedly an eye-catching woman while Sophia has always been the apple of my eyes ever since I saw her in the cafeteria when she first entered the school. Yea, it’s true, Rina was never my favourite. It was just her kiss that made me feel this way. But then again, it is irrefutable that she is the person who illustrates something I have never envisioned before. In detail, she is the first woman who expressed love to me. Nonetheless, behind the existence and the warmth displayed by Rina, my mind frequently aroused every time Sophia's silhouette arises.

“I don’t know bro… it’s essentially confusing, for the reason that my heart belongs to Sophia.”
“Hmm… but you gave in to her kisses…”
“Yea, I did. Tell me how could I refuse? Could you stand it, being seduced by a hot chick like that?”
“You told me you hate her… and her class, her smell and all remember?”
“Yea, I wasn’t clear… I hate economics, that’s the fact. But right now, I find that I was misled by anger when I said I hate her. Granted that with honesty, I actually don’t… yea, I don’t hate Rina, well at least not any longer… at present, I can be certain of it.”
“That’s why they say, don’t formulate a decision while we are furious. We couldn’t know what the truth is.”
“Yea, you are absolutely right. As a matter of fact, it is the economics, not her that I hate. This is what I’ve found after several phases of judgment.”
“Andrey, the foremost significant thing you should pay attention at present is your study. About your feelings for Sophia and Rina, just entrust it to time. Time will reveal everything, believe me.”
“Rina told me to drop economics cos’ yea… I have no stake in it. Taking in four subjects will be enough, I assume.”
“Yea, if you’re not concerned in it, then no use to work on. Leaving out a subject wouldn't be a problem. Furthermore, you have already taken up five subjects.”
“On the other hand, I suppose that giving up a try is impractical too. Accepting the challenge would be exciting and I’m also considering art. You have doubts?” I couldn’t remember if I ever alleged, however, I was quite sure of the statement I declared. Seemly, I withdrew my intention to drop Rina’s lecture.
“Well, to me everything is respectable regarding study and knowledge. You won’t regret it and art sounds great for you. Since you possess talent, why not? But, why suddenly art? You have never mentioned that before.”
“It’s just crossed my mind. Besides, that would be healthy to engage my solitary life.” 

The book  Rina reads actually excites me and I planned to purchase me one.
“Indeed an advantageous decision, Andrey. The talent you have should be habituated. It’ll be a waste if you don’t extract it out. Art has their own language and you sensibly apprehend the interaction. You have the touch, I have seen it all. I stand to be a fan of yours.”
“Have you ever fell in love, bro?”
“Sure I do. But nothing serious so far. Focusing on my study is my priority now. Of course, there are attractive girls in college and actually, there’s a girl I adore. Lisa. She is a pure genius. As teenagers, we cannot avoid those sentiments.”
“Yea… and this is my first time for everything. First time I feel so much attracted to another girl and first kiss I learnt from a girl who claimed she loves me. Two different persons, two personalities. Two definitions of beauty.”
“Is she also gay?”
“Sophia, like I mentioned, there is no indication. But Rina, yea, she conceded. Had a girlfriend, broke up a year ago since that girl is a bisexual. That was what she told me.”

My brother invited me to spend the afternoon with him for some shopping, since we had nothing much to do, however, I wasn’t in the mood for such activity. Therefore, I went straight to my bedroom after that short conversation. I chose to rest my lazy body in bed, thinking about the kiss Rina presented. It was certainly incredible. I could not deny the veracity. Visualising her face, her skin, her scent, the way she talked and took care of me, evoking everything that occurred last night till time asked me to leave, something deep inside has vocalized its needs to set another date with the teacher. Am I missing that woman? Rina? I had no solution to that query, not at all.  Yet again, within the puzzle stirring in my mind, it had all coming back intensely in my brain. The green dress she wore, the blue satin nightgown… The loving touch on my face, the way she caressed my hair and of course her sizzling kiss. These views have led my fingers to reach my own lips, straining to sense the sensation she left on my sensory faculties. In silence, I was hoping for another occasion.

Not consciously aware, I fell asleep in my dreams. My little sister, Anastasia, who is three years younger came into my room to wake me up. She sat along the boundary of my bed, drawing out my pillow and playing with my hair.

“Andrey, it’s almost six. Don’t you know we have a family dinner in one hour? Mum and dad will be here around seven. Get up, you sleepyhead.” Lazily, I opened my eyes, staring at my beautiful little sister who was smiling at me.
“Where’s Andy?” I asked.
“He is in his room, I guess. Just got home around half an hour.”
“Hey, Ana… was dad upset with me last night?” I sat up, stretching my body.
“I guess so. I didn’t hear anything thou’. He seemed to enjoy his event. Maybe Andy knows better. Hey, you know what? You actually looked handsome in that tux, last night.” Anastasia gave me a little pat on my face. I reached her hand and pulled her down on my bed, messed her long brown hair.
“Did mum say anything?”
“No… you know mum is always cool about anything. It’s dad who is always so fussy about all. After all, you know him, Andrey.”
“Yea, somewhat, I’m a bit troubled to face him tonight.” Anastasia grinned at my replied.
 “I thought you are a tough guy,” said my sister, teasing me with her cheeky laughter before she left my room.

Four of us were already at the dining table, in our large dining hall, waiting for the bosses to lead off the dinner.
“Andy, was he truly pissed off last night?” The same question popped-out from my mouth once again.
“Don’t worry too much. He barks but doesn't bite.” 

Although Adrian’s answer has put me at least at ease, still I feel kind of edgy. This often ominous me every time I need to confront my dad.

“Good evening everybody,” The General, at last, entered the room with his lovely wife. Taken up their seats, we all raised and gave them salutation before we remain seated again.

“I am glad you are here with us tonight, Adriana.”
“Yes, sir, it's my pleasure to be here.”
“Where were you last night?” There he took the lead.
“I am sorry, sir, for escaping your occasion. I went out, attended my tuition.”
“Tuition… Didn't I tell you that you can take up your tuition any time you wish, but not on the night of my special event. You were so impolite last night. Your attire, your attitude. Leaving without informing. It was embarrassing. As far as I know, I have only a boy and four girls in my family. Do you understand that?”
“Yes, sir… But please understand me too that I feel uncomfortable masking myself in such clothing. I’m not faking, I am being what I exactly am.”
“So, are you asking me to be tolerated in your sexual orientation or what? Today, your appearance, and after this what will come out? Introducing me to your girl?” 

His tone became remorseless. Everyone in the room remained silent. I took a glance at my mum, at Adrian, at my two little sisters but none of them was looking at me, above and beyond, they were all fixing their eyes on the table.

“A girl should be a girl. I declined to deal with such problem, understood?”
“Yes, sir. But I need you to comprehend how I feel.” Still, I tried to defend my assessment.
“Adriana, I have been tolerated all the while, accepting your appearance. But, I don’t want to see you in my formal occasion presenting yourself as a girl with an identity crisis.”
“Well dad, I don’t wanna be on such occasion too. So we have a deal here, I assumed.” 
His deep eyes fixed on mine.

“How can you be so rude and stubborn? I never taught you this.” He then turned his head to my mum.
“It was you who always encouraging her to wear, boy’s clothing since she was a kid.”
“Are you blaming me now, Arman?” Answered my mother.
“No, I’m not my dear, but that was the beginning of everything.” 
My mum heaves a sigh, putting down the fork and spoon she was holding.

“She is growing up, I believe she is discovering herself. Let her be certain of her own feeling. She’s not a child any more. Arman, her appearance, her style, have never upset me. Imagine if we had a disabled child. This is how I perceive the scenario. Be thankful that we suffer none.” 
I felt at ease to hear my mum’s justification. It’s well understood that my mum has her own magic to shut my dad’s mouth up.

“I supposed we are going to have a lovely family dinner,” I said, a little murmured. But then I continued, “Nevertheless, I am your daughter. Like it or not, you have to accept me as I am. Forgive me if I was nothing like you hope for. But dad, please understand that I am just being the real me. Like I said, if it would embarrass you, I wouldn’t appear again in any of your formal events. Forgive me, dad, for the embarrassment I caused to you.”
“Arman, give her a break. We talked about this earlier, didn’t we?” Lowering her voice down in a delicate tone, my mum managed to keep her beloved husband unruffled.

“And one more thing Andrey, about your school. I was never pleased to examine your report card. Your grade for the past semester was indeed disappointing.” Another issue came out as I predicted.
“I know dad and I'm working on it to improve myself. I am not perfect like Andy. I don’t possess so much talent and his intelligence. But I'm doing the best as I can.” 
The room for a few moments filled with silence. Pretending to enjoy the dinner, I was actually feeling a little down when I look at myself, through my father’s eyes. The sense of inferiority, he brought dwelled inside me and I couldn't conceive how it’d be if one day he found out that I am a gay? Sooner or later this issue will arise within the whole family, that’s for sure. And me, I don’t think I can change the way I feel. Promptly, I recalled what Rina told me last night, that it was never easy to be people like us.

“Dad, I’m considering to take up art. I’ll keep the other five, I am already in. That means I’m going to have six.” 

The statement clearly indicated that I confirmed to myself of what I want and what I will do. There’ll be no turning back. Something is encouraging me to stay on the track and I decided to get seriously involved with literature and art.

“What is your plan after that?” I turned my sight to my mum who kept her smile on me.
“If my result would be excellent, I’d like to be an architect or any career involving art. I believe, this is the right choice because I love art and literature, dad.”
“Yes, sir. Andrey is gifted in art. I support her decision.” 
At a length, finally, my brother opened up his mouth.
“Prove it then. I’ll provide you with the best allowance and facilities if you could provide me with improvements and achievements.”
“Thank you, sir. Your courtesy is very much appreciated.”

What a relief… The conversation I had with The General,  was not that hard. Unlike I've been worrying about. Thank God… at least my mum helped me out. Thanks, mum.

“I told you… don’t worry too much. You know dad. It’s just you. You’re at times overly sensitive in which ended you up in doubts when you think too much, you see?” 
Adrian opened his mouth as soon as mum and dad left the dining table. Somehow I felt contented as if everything is set anew around me. 

Mum is on my side, while dad loves his wife very deeply and that gives her the power to reconcile her fussy hubby. This gave me a sort of encouragement and enthusiasm to move along with willpower. I've never felt this strong before. Never felt so motivated. Never was I care about anything, let alone giving a thought about the future. Nevertheless, I had a change of mind before I knew it, which inspired me to make everyone proud of me, especially my dad. 

Silently, I whispered a prayer that this valour will always keep me sturdy through the journey.

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