Friday, 10 May 2013

5. A FORESIGHT OF NAMELESS ANTICIPATIONS


Everyone’s turning their heads when we stepped into a fine dining restaurant located in a reputable hotel in town. Rina, crossing her arm around mine, guiding me to rest my palm on her hand. At that moment, I felt proud to be appearing in such a fine place with a beautiful lady.
A waitress, with her friendly face and smile, guided us to a table before she handed us the menu.

“Rina, I don’t expect this,” I whispered.
“Expect the unexpected, honey. Just enjoy. Consider this as a fresh start between you and me. We should celebrate too, don’t you think?”
“What date is today?”
“It's the third of June. What’s on your mind?” 
Instead of replying, I took out my cell phone, applying the idea that crossed my mind. I passed my phone to her afterwards. She took a look and flashed me a delightful beam.
“Now you are showing me a romantic side of you… Hmmm, you have loads of bombshells, can it be?”
“No, Rina… haha, no… nothing like that.” I picked up some kind of humour in her judgement. Never before someone said things like that to me. A romantic person? Such a funny impression. However, from her facial expression, I sensed that my teacher is gleefully enjoying the moment, which essentially warming up the atmosphere that night. She seems to know how to lead my lost mood back on the right track.

“I just want this moment to be logged as an emblem of my appreciation. Please know that I am deeply honoured to be invited. You know, Rina... I have never experienced moments like this. Perhaps you don’t understand... But let me capture this moment and frame it well on the empty wall of my heart.” I added, and with that reply, she threw out a big smile with a little laugh, shaking her head a little. I had never realized this before, but that night, I caught a good view of her nice white teeth. Beautiful.

“Hmm, Andrey, I think you are simply passionate when depressed.”
“Haha, maybe you are right Miss, but actually, I have no hint…,” I let out a sigh. “It seems, I learnt something from that event.” 
My explanation interrupted when the same waitress came to take our order.
“Well, honey, what would you like to have?”
“Hmm… I feel like a wolf tonight. Beef is for sure my favourite. So, a Char-Grilled Dry Aged Rib Eye Steak, please.”
“Well, if you are a wolf, I am a cat then. Pan-Seared Halibut Fillet for me.”
“And please serve us the best wine you have,” I requested.
“Honey, I need to drive…”
Aren't we in a hotel?” I winked at her. She twisted her head slightly and narrowing her eyes, expressing errancy of my quizzing. I kept my eyes on her, waiting for a response. For a moment, I think to myself, am I going too far? Suggesting a hotel room? My heart giggled, reflected on my face.


“Yea, and?” After a minute, she finally replied.
“They have rooms.”
“So?”
“Hmm… if we get drunk, you don't need to drive.” 
My teacher laughs at my suggestion.
“Funny?”
“No, strange…”
“But don’t worry about that, Rina. If spending a night here doesn't sound comfortable to you, we’ll catch a cab, then.”
“Have you made up your mind?” Responding to my clarification, she set her eyes on mine with a question below my expectations.
“I need to figure it out clearly, I don’t want to take a wrong turn.” 

Honestly, I was sure about her care and concern regarding my disinterest in the subject she’s teaching at the school.

“Wrong turn?" She frowned.
“Yea, if I drop your class and take up other subjects… I'm worried if they would be too heavy for me to carry. As you said, I am lazy and those subjects require concentration and hard brain work.” She laughed out loud at my replied which left question marks on my head.

“You think it’s funny?”
“No, hon… no… I mean, every subject requires concentration and hard work. It is a responsibility of every student no matter what stream they are in. But honey, actually you misunderstood my question.” 
It seemed so funny to her, that she kept on laughing.
“Misunderstood?” 
She reached her purse and took out a packet of tissue paper, wiping her happy tears from my misinterpretation.
“It must be a hilarious joke to you…” She reached my hand and shook her head. The smile refused to leave her face.
“No, hon… but I find it’s cute that you pay attention to my idea of dropping economics. You must be missing school so badly, aren't you?”
“Not really…” Instantly Sophia’s face entered my mind. How I wish it was her whom I spent my evening with. I puffed a sigh since I couldn't see the way to her heart. I have to voice this feeling, but how? Her soft look every time she stares at me, and the way she talks makes me miss her more and more. How I wish to have another good conversation with her again. That girl should be mine. But why it is Rina who comes in my way, not Sophia?

“Remember the second kiss?” Rina invaded my thoughts after she set herself well-composed. Still anticipating her question to be answered, even though rather than clarifying, she prefers to leave me a hint. Her pupils dilated. I struggled to fight the intense look of those bright gleaming brown eyes.

“You are the first woman who ever kisses me. Tell me how could I possibly forget the magic you left on my senses?”
“In that case, I presume you understand my question very well.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh. Haha, I got her wrong, what a fool I am… I laughed at myself…

“Oh, Rina, you are really teasing me with that tricky question… 'have you made up my mind'hmm?” I gently pinched her hand. We laughed happily for her question that has been mischaracterized. Now that I get it clear but, I have no idea what is the best sentence to answer her since I haven’t made any decision regarding that matter. After the kiss that evening, honestly, I felt amazed by the sensation she gave. However, I guess my heart belongs to someone else. It is a secret I must keep to myself only, and no one is allowed to know.

“Speaking about love, doesn’t it come naturally?” I chose to let my thoughts to myself.
“Theoretically, that’s how it came to me in which I intend to appreciate every effect with you.”
“The feeling approached you gradually, with time.” She nodded to my solution.
“We have lots of tomorrows.” 

Picking up my sentence I once said to her, a smile rewarded to me. I am very sure this intelligent, magnificent woman in her green dress, who is sitting in front of me knows exactly how I feel and what’s battling deep within my conscience. Evidently, she knows what she is doing as well. I felt at ease.


“Anyhow, I am open to any recommendation tonight, Miss…”  I drove us back to the main topic.
“As you please, honey. I am happy enough to have you with me tonight and thank you for accepting my invitation. So hon, would you go on relating the lesson that you have learnt tonight?” 

She kept track from the spot where our conversation got interjected. Sipping her orange juice, she’s then licking her lips before she bites the lower one, left my heart unstably beating. The motion of the lips and the tongue that she presented, flew me back swiftly to the first time I saw her doing that thing. As if I was entombed in a spell, my sight pasted on her face, and my mouth glued, wordless. The picture of our second kiss inside her car that evening stirring in my mind. I could feel goosebumps spiking on my neck as if she is caressing my face right away before she runs her fingers on my hair during the kissing scene.


“Hello, I am waiting… honey…”
“Andrey!!!” A little smack on my hand released me from the spell.
“Oh, pardon me, miss…”
“You even sleep during our dinner. If we were in my class, I would fling chalk on your face.” I smirked, feeling a little abashed when she caught me musing at her face like that.
“Sleepy? This is not economics.”
“Sorry… Err, sorry Miss… come again…” She shook her head.
“The moral you learnt from your dad’s event.”
“Oh… hmm, I thought it was done.”
“No, it hasn't even started.” At ease, she adjusted her seat, while her hand gently flicking her hair to the back. I cleared my throat.

“Well, actually, as you can imagine from the title, my dad is strict, perhaps he applies that from his position. This leads things to some levels of hurdle… It is hard to be ourselves when we are living in a cookie-cutter-world. And I chose to be me.”
“Sooner or later they will understand. It is not easy to be people like us, Andrey. I have encountered a few dramas too. Believe me, it was never easy.”
“Yea, it looks like that. But I am sure who I truly am. See, this is my nature and they know that. I am always like this since I was a kid. It has nothing to do with influences from someone or something such as bad experiences, no. Not at all. People always think that a girl becomes a lesbian because of a bad incident that happened in her life. Frustration from a boyfriend, being raped, or perhaps influenced by friends, whatsoever… Well, maybe these could be happening to another girl but certainly not me. I don’t know whatever their reasons are, I am nothing like that.”
“Let it out, hon.”
“And people refused to comprehend, they rather being offensive, instead. At any rate, I’ve been taught to be the real me.” She nodded, keeping her eyes on me like she’s reading me with a highly rated zeal.
“When did you realize the transition?”
“It happened quite early as far as I remember. I was seven when I get the first strange feeling about girls. Yes, I am sure of it. Let me tell you my story."
"Please. This is interesting."
"My mum told me that I refused to wear girl’s clothing since I was like three or four. She needed to give away my clothes, the gowns, the skirts she and daddy bought to my cousins since I prefer to share clothes with my brother."
"Hmm, three or four, thats's quite early."
"Yes, it indeed is. Since then I think I am a boy and at school, I started to be attracted to girls. When I was seven, I started to realise that I am attracted to girls. Little by little, I began to understand what I feel and what I want. What I like and what I dislike. Boys never attract my attention, unlike girls. This is what I exactly am. As I begin high school, I became more fascinated with girls.”
“But never had one,” she swiftly contained my word.
“Not yet,” I added, lending her sentence she once said to me.
“I liked some girls at school. I mean my junior high school. I was too young back then, indeed I am still young to get seriously involved in such matters. Never concerned about it, actually. So, I consider that the feeling was nothing more than admiration or infatuation. A distraction, I assumed. Even though I sometimes, feel in need, but I never give it a thought to take a step forward.”
“Why so?”
“Well, I guess I am a weak person, lack of confidence.”
“Ah, that’s completely nonsense hon, sincerely. You wouldn't scratch my car if you didn't possess such confidence.” Her response brought us a good laugh and to be frank, at this bit, I felt really like an asshole. Yes, that was how I feel.


“Rina, I am really sorry about that…”
“It’s all over, besides, you did apologize, remember? And I've accepted your apology.”
“A miss is as good as a mile.” Somewhat, I condemned myself for the drama I caused.
“But all is fair in love and war.” In a soft tone, she assured me.
“Back then, I was full of anger, but now I really mean it… I am really sorry…” 

At that point, I raised up from my seat.
“Forgive me for scratching your car, Miss. Please accept my apology.” 
I bent over and extended my hand to her. My teacher’s face blooms like a bloody red rose under the bright morning sun. As our fingers intertwined, I grasp her soft hand and took the opportunity to leave a simple kiss on it.
“Apology accepted. And hon... Forgive me too for what I've done to your bike.” 
"I deserve that. But Rina, next time, please not pink." That answer made her laugh beautifully. And that laugh made me smile from the heart.

This, in all conscience, has fetched out a melancholic feeling inside me which I hid behind my smile, hoping that Rina did not perceive what’s battling around my emotion. Yes, I felt sad. Touched by her kindness towards me, of her toleration.


“I feel confined in this body. I wish I were Adrian.” To put the melancholy aside, I picked up another topic.
“Adrian?”
“Oh… he is my twin.”
“What a surprise… you have a twin and a boy? Cool… I have never been told about this before.”
“He's 14 minutes older than me, currently studying in a Science College down south. He strikes all the subjects in O'Level, really well… Unlike myself. Maybe that's one of the reasons why my dad always looks down on me.” I handed her my cell phone again.
“That’s him, from tonight’s occasion. Slide it out.”
“Well, he is a good looking guy.”
“Yes, he is. Like dad and mum too.”
“You too honey, you are indeed very attractive.” Another compliment I received from a teacher who I once called bitch.
 “See, here is my mum and dad and these two girls are my younger sisters.” Informally, I introduce my whole family to the teacher.
 “You have a really beautiful family.” She commented.
“Yea, it seemed… but I am always out of the picture.”
“Don’t say that Andrey. It’s just not the right moment. Your time will come, believe me.”
“I hope so.”
“You possess your mother’s eyes, honey, and the smile from your dad.” She passed back my cell phone to me.

We enjoyed our dinner with laughter and I get the feeling that I become unwind and feeling more comfortable with my economics teacher. Outside of school, she is a charming lady. A totally different person, not anymore an annoying teacher whom I once hated, whom I called old chick' But that night, instead of being my sleeping pill like she used to be, she has kept me awake with so much enthusiasm. Yea, I was rude. And she, on the other hand, patiently tolerating my indelicacy, with an extra surprise, she claimed that she loves me.

Sipping one glass of wine after another left my head heavy. Rina anyhow didn’t drink that much. Perhaps she doesn’t like my idea to stay overnight in a hotel room. 

“Cheers Rina, let’s celebrate our third of June.” I raised the glass up and swallow that sparkling red wine.
“Would you care to dance with a monkey?” I reached her hand. With a smile, she gave in and I led her to the dance floor.
“Be careful Andrey, you seem not able holding yourself.” She wrapped her arms around me, holding me close and firm, avoiding me from falling down, maybe.
“Don’t worry Rina, I’m not drunk like you think.” We danced to a beautiful piece from Johann Pachelbel, the famous Canon. 

Finally, my dream to dance with a girl fulfilled even though the girl I danced with was not my dream girl. I, after all, enjoyed the dance as well as her sweet scent. Within my semi-consciousness, my brain recorded every careful move she made as she swayed her velvety body with me to the beautiful melody which has filled my lonely heart with flowers and butterflies. The sensation swimming in my veins, inspiring my rationality to foresight everything with nameless anticipations. Experiencing holding a girl in my arms, cheek to cheek, I must say, it was a precious moment that can never be erased from my memory.

We appreciate every move in the first dance until at last the booze finally started kicking in. It was true, I almost fall on the dance floor and as a result, she needed to lead us back to our seats.


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