Wednesday, 24 April 2013

3. DO I REALLY HATE HER?


Being parted with my motorcycle and going to school by bus every day, was not something I like to do. Yes, we have a driver to send us everywhere we wish to go, but, I chose not to use the facility since I am comfortable being free, of course with my Aprilia. Let my younger siblings enjoy the service while me, enjoying my solitary life.

I remember my twin brother who is taking an International Baccalaureate Programme, in a science college located 230 km away, around two hours driving from our little town. I miss him very much. As we were reaching the school holiday in a week, I'm looking forward to spending good times with him again. It has been six months since he's got accepted to that college as a reward for his hard work and that shining brain in his head. For all his efforts, he is now preparing himself before being sent to further his studies abroad. My twin aspires to be a doctor. A specialist. Expert in which field, I'm not sure. While me, forget about being a doctor, let alone an expert, I myself do not know what my ambition is or if I've ever had one. 

Adrian, who is around 14 minutes older than me, is the only place I can turn to in my family or should I say in my biography. Even though we are twins, but we deliver very different features. He is a real soft-spoken person, polite, full of tolerance, dedication, friendly, hardworking, tender, a gentleman you can say and so many good things he gave birth. Contrary me ... I admit I am nothing like him. A soft-spoken person, polite? Only if I have to do so. Tolerance? It always depends on the cases and situations. I am not as dedicated. I am full of doubts. I am lazy, and one thing I admit the most, I am not that outgoing. Having Adrian as a twin brother is the greatest gift have ever been given to me and I thank God for granting me such a perfect companion. He is my most precious.

I told my brother what occurred between me and Rina. He simply laughed and advised me to carry myself. Whatever the situation is, I need to respect her as she is my teacher. He did not agree for what I have done to Rina's car, particularly to the teacher herself.

"Whatever it is, she is your teacher. We must always respect a teacher." And so he said during our phone call one evening.
"You don't have any idea how annoying she is."
"Ahh Andrey, there are many teachers like that. I think the problem is not her. The problem is you."
"Hmm... What is her problem then, that she needs to annoy me every day?"
Andrian laughed.
"You hate school. That's it. And I know very well how much you hate economics."
"Yea, I don't like the subject but I can compromise if it's not her..."
"Listen. Maybe I don't know your teacher. What's her name again?"
"Rina."
"Yea, Rina. Whatever you do to show your rebellion, she's not the one who's gonna sit for the exam. It's you. She won't lose anything. You go to school or not, you care about economics or not, you get suspended, does that all affect her? No, Andrey. It affects you. Your actions determine your progression."
"Yea... right." 
"But I believe, as a teacher she wants the best of you. The success of a student is the success of a teacher. That means a lot to them."
My mind was too heavy to continue the conversation. Anyone will blame me on this matter. Obviously. I was hoping that Andrian would understand, but yea, I also couldn't argue the facts in his words.
"Well, even if you cannot respect her as a teacher, at least bro, respect her as a woman. Be a gentleman." And so we ended the conversation before I recline my lazy body on my slumber.


Day in and day out with nothing special going on around me, I went through my daily routine, as usual. The only thing that generated me to school was biology class or may I say the teacher who's teaching biology. Waking up every dawn with that thought, I am the most dedicated students you've ever encountered. I couldn't wait to meet her. She made me want to sing.

My thoughts drifted away on Sophia, as I sat down at a bus stop, smoking, that morning. While waiting for the bus, the same car rolled up. Rina, with her smile, invited me for a ride. Without a second thought, I opened the door and hopped in. Frankly, I have no idea why I acted so.

"Where's your bike?" She asked gently with a friendly smile.
"I sent it for new paintings."
"Ohh..."
"And thank you so much, Miss."
"Andrey, I am sorry..."
"No... Let me thank you. I've learnt my lesson. Thanks for teaching me something for the trouble I have caused." 

My heart didn't fabricate the words I threw to her, even though I couldn't believe that those words finally slipped out from my lips. It appeared to be that something has triggered me to do so. Something that was not easy for me to understand. Although I tried, still, I just couldn't figure it out. That was completely not what my indignant mind has been cogitating over the weeks since that incident. On the other hand, that day, I did say it straight to her cheek. Perhaps the talk with my twin brother influenced me that much. It could be that simple.

"Andrey, we can start all over again. Let's just forget about it, OK."
"It won't be that easy."
"Why not?"
"Cause you make me feel bad."
"Ah c'mon, honey. We certainly can start anew, hmm?"
"We never even started," I replied quietly, leering at her, she glanced at me. I saw a smile etched on her lips.
"Well, let me start then. FYI, I didn't mean to give you such bad marks. And it also doesn't mean that you did it incorrectly, but, I am the teacher. Of course, I know what I'm doing. Yes, you gave the right answer, but you should answer every question in detail, you get me? Try to define, clarify, and elaborate on your answer." I saw her smiling as she pulls the steering, then she added up her words, "you are bright but lazy," as the car entering the parking lot of our school. 
"But I tell you what, you can drop the economics if it's not what you are into. I will support you to focus on your favourite subjects like biology and chemistry. You have options. Since you still take in next year for A' Level, you better decide now." I listened carefully to every single word she said and start thinking to myself that I should do that, I mean drop the subject and Rina... Well, at least, the conversation we had, has shown me a different side of her.

"Yes, Miss... I will think about it."
"Sure you will. I hope you'll make up your mind. We can discuss the matter after the school holiday. I will see what I can do for you, OK." She smiled and fed me a back rub.
"Thanks, Miss... And yea... Thank you..." I had no better word to say.
"You can always turn to me for a talk. Be good, Andrey."
And then I left her at the door of her division.


I love this, therefore, I took the very front seat of the classroom merely to appear to those brown eyes. Breathtaking. She is so breathtaking. Concentrating and focusing every movement of her lips, I could easily memorize everything. And understanding every input effortlessly, it made me A star student in her class. However, I kept asking myself what this feeling is? It's like I'm so attached to her. Is this what they call love or is it just an infatuation? I was just so confused. I have never fallen in love before let alone being in love. By all means, I don't know what love is. I mean, I know that I am gay and I have a strong feeling, emotionally, of course sexually to girls but how do I define this?

I recall Rina's kiss last two or three weeks ago. It was the first time, I ever experience the lips of a woman. And true, I like it. I've been thinking about it ever since. How delicate and succulent those lips, the kiss, even though it was just a short-so-unromantic kiss. It turns out that my anger towards Rina has opened a new chapter in the history of my life and of course her case confuses me to a greater extent. In a long thought, I knew I could learn something from her as she admitted that she's a lesbian. 

Rina and Sophia, they are like chalk and cheese. The feelings that play in my heart are very different when I think about Sophia. I like my biology teacher.  How I wished that the kiss was from her. Is she is also a lesbian or is she as straight as a lamp post? Would it solve my confusions if I clarify my unclear feeling to her? 
"C'mon, why rush? You need to be sure of the feeling first before you reveal your secrets." 
Again I talk to myself.

Sophia... As far as I concern, she has just graduated from university. I presume that she is about Rina’s age. Yea, I know that the puss is not a granny, even though I like to call her old chick. Am I too young for her? I just couldn't take my eyes off of her. She's something beautiful, a contradiction. The first woman who stole my heart to the point of bringing my fantasies to own her. The warmness I held towards her has kept me wondering on and on. Why do I like older women? Am I mentally sick or something like that? There were so many question marks in my head. Too many listings...

"Daydreaming?" She woke me up from my thoughts.
"No...I am focusing," positively, I answered. She smiled. I'm so fucking in love with that adorable smile.
"Well, as you can see... They have all left the class. Time’s up. Done with biology for today. Don't you want to take your break?"
"Yea, sure Miss. Hmm... Care if I buy you a drink? I mean, seriously... I'd like to talk with you about Rina. Well, if you have time for me....?" Gosh, hard to believe. I finally dare to ask my dream girl for a drink. Where does this strength come from? Seemed that I was not familiar with what I was singing about. Honestly, I didn’t want to talk about Rina with her. That certainly was not the reason I ask her for a swallow. But in any case, it was plainly an excuse. I just wanted to be with her.

"Hey, sure. I told you, didn’t I? We can talk about it if you'd like to. Let's go." What a huge relief.
So I followed her to the cafeteria, but then, I hesitantly asked her, "Miss, I need a smoke... Can we have a drink outside?" She giggled a little.
"Certainly. We have an hour break. I’ve got nothing much to do today. Well, let me drive you there." Oh, My God... That's very attentive and if every time she says 'sure' and 'yes' or 'why not' to my every suggestion, guess what? I can tell that she will be mine someday. I don't know where the idea came from, but I had a strong feeling and intuition that this angel will be mine, one day. One fine day...

Having a smoke and an espresso with a lovely teacher sitting in front of you, flashing you a smile, looking at you, face to face, tell me what good life can offer other than this? This is truly hallucinogenic to me. I had so much to recount yet, I couldn't even move my lips. Only God knows how speechless and nervous I was. And I hate that kind of feeling. I stand for the nervousness.

"Tell me about Rina, I'd like to know about it. I heard that she answered something on your bike?" She asked, breaking the ice.
"Hmm... There's something strange about her, you know. And kinda funny, too. Pink. It was pink, Miss." She laughed a little.
"Why did you scratch her car in the first place?" So I ordered her from A to Z, the whole story, shut out the kissing part, of course. Even though I am sure that she has heard it herself, yet, with pleasure, I explain word by word of what was happening between me and Rina.

"Frankly, I know I shouldn't do that. It was my fault." At last, I admitted. Honestly admitted my mistake.
"Well, it's good that you learn. Every day is a learning session and it will never end. Learn to be patient and kind. Patience is indeed a virtue. You won’t miss a thing if you clasp your anger inside. Let them out, in a good way, is a better thing you can do." Lost for words, I nodded.
 "Because anger, hatred, if left unchecked, they will consume you. That won't do you any good at all. Rina is a good teacher. Indeed, she is a kind person."

Rina's face appeared in my eyes when Sophia mentioned her name. Reflected in my mind the moments of events with her that made me lose my control until I was compelled to do immature actions. It feels like I was slapped by my own hand.

Sophia paused as if she's expecting a reply. But, I remained silent, struggling to fight the nervousness, I must say. Besides that, I was carried away by the shadows of the incident with Rina.

"So, if you have friends, family, or anyone you trust, learn to share your feelings with them. Attempt to partake not just the wrath, but also your happiness, sadness, loneliness, dreams... About anything and everything. Life is all about sharing, isn't it? You're no longer a kid. You're heading towards many of new things. They are ahead, waiting for you. Learn to forgive and forget. Be tolerate, OK." I just grinned and nodded. Completely wordless.

"Don't you have any friends?" She added, seeing me saying nothing.
"I have a few."
"Well, I rarely see you hanging out with the other students. It’s like you always spend your time alone. Like you are too caught up in your universe. Well, I'm sorry for asking you this, but teenagers like you usually spend good times among themselves, but you're completely dissimilar. I can say that, can I?"
"Certainly, you can Miss. People see me, they judge me, not me judging myself. It's good you tell me this. In reality, I have my perspective of selecting friends. You can say it, I am choosy."
"What about Seri? Isn't she a good friend of yours?"
"She's a friend. I don't know if she is a good friend of mine. She said I am her best friend but to me, it is the opposite. Honestly, she's annoying and boring me, particularly when she starts talking about boys.” The teacher chuckled. Yea, it's true, I like to befriend with the girl named Seri but I can't get on with her girly girlfriends and her girly stuff like boys. That's boring.

"So, talking about boys boring you, huh? Why don't you start talking with her about girls, then?"
"No such thing as well, Miss."
With the answer, I bowed my head slightly, trying to hide the expression on my face. I felt a little bit uncomfortable being asked such a question or precisely, I was not ready to face such a question.
"Why not? Don't you have a crush?" However, the topic seems to excite my dream girl. Should I even consider answering it... ????
"Yes, I have and it's you, Miss."
No!!! Take it slow. Do it only when the time is right.
"It's OK. You don't need to do that, but if you want to talk about it, you know I'll be constantly available."

All my life, I will think of these bits. How peaceful and clear her explanation was. How she keeps the eye contact while she’s talking. The smile, the voice. It seemed to me, every word she said was a poem that gave me new hopes, a dream, a fresh beginning that I'm eager to partake.


I did have economics class the same day and as usual, I took the last seat at the back of the classroom. I saw Rina steps into the classroom with some books around her arms and those glasses laid perfectly on her highlighted hair. She looks very striking, as she started the class. I was trying to concentrate, but then I dreamt about her kiss. The simple kiss she gave me that day. Should I demand more kisses? Picking up those lips flew me out and I couldn't help but fell asleep again. And again chalk landed on my head.

"Go and wash your face..."
She dominated, but this time she voiced it in a slightly relaxed tone. So I get up to go to the loo. I caught her eyes when I passed by her table. She was staring at me, as she always does. Somehow, I gathered a glimpse of affection from her prideful eyes.

Having a smoke and a coffee, it took me forever, until the end of her class. Until the school is over. In my brain, my thought was circulating around her, Sophia and myself. About the conversation this afternoon and then my dream flew back to Rina and the first kiss she presented. My mind circling those episodes until she appeared behind the building where I spent my time, waiting to leave school. She placed herself next to me, on the cement floor.

"Did I ask you to sit here all the session?"
"No, Miss. I have a headache."
"From too much smoking? I did tell you to stop, didn't I?"
"Yea, you did..."
"What’s amiss? Tell me... You don't want to sit here. The school is over. Well, if you need a ride, come, let me drive you home."
"Thanks, but I'll go home later."
"Hmm, would you care for a drink, a bite? Well, at least, keep me company, what say you?"
"How do you know that I am here?" Providing no reply, I turned my head looking at her face with a question.
"Well, didn't I tell you that I like you? Of course, I know where your favourite place is." She always has an answer for everything.
"Ahh... You can't be that serious."
"I am serious. Now, C'mon. Let's have a refreshment, come..." She smiled at me and confidently took my hand.

Something has prompted me to give in to her invitation, insistence, urge or request, I had no idea what to call it.  Considering that I have no plan that afternoon, I think it is not a bad idea at all. Sophia told me Rina is a kind person. I wish to witness the truth. I wanted proofs. 

At first, I was thinking to spend my day by the lake or maybe just heading home and sleep. That's what I normally do, after school. I'd go somewhere till the sun moves down. Anywhere the day can take me... The lake, the river, the library... I just don't like to be at home. Yes, and it's true when they said that I have no friends. Just the guys from school and no after school activity with them. I didn't even take any participation in the sport. Never. You can say that I am arrogant and proud or may be passive, but it's just me. It's not that I don't like those guys in school. I like them. It's just that I can't come along with their talks and interests. Yes, you may say that I am whatever you think I am but this is what I am. An introvert. That's it. 

Rina drove us to a restaurant after she had successfully convinced me to spend the after school with her. She said she's hungry and insisted me to have a meal, since she said I look pale and tired. 
"Am I always looking like that?"

"You don't have enough sleep, I supposed." She asked after a waiter took our order.
"Hard to fall asleep at night, unlike daytime, during your class, especially." She laughed. I smiled to see her laughing at my little joke.
"I mean I sleep late. Around two or three."
"And why so? Study or too much thinking?"
"None of the above." She giggled.
"You should have enough sleep and rest. That's very important. Do you take breakfast before school, every day?"
"Yes. Never miss it. Why?"
"No. Just asking... You sometimes look pale. Well, actually, I'm inviting you for breakfast tomorrow, before school starts."
"Ahhh... Now, what?!"
"Yea, I will see..." Hiding a sense of surprise, I tried to keep calm.
"How will I know?"
"I might be late..."
"OK... If that's the case, give me your number then. I can give you a wakeup call." She raised her eyebrows.
"What now... Do you want my routine? Am I asked to answer this?"
"Honey, I told you I like you and having your number is important for me to get in touch with you. Gimme now. C'mon."
Man, I hate that when a girl begging me like this. No, it wasn't begging. It was more a command.

In any manner, since I have those thoughts and ideas to take the benefits from her existence, I agreed to give her my cell phone number and she happily gave me hers. The mixed feelings inside me were rotating from my head to my essence, through' my sensible and insanity. I just don't know what to name this notion. I hated this woman. It started the day she scolded me for the first time when I didn't bring that textbook as she commanded and I have been her favourite since then. I was her target from the start! And today, I am sitting here, talking to her, having a hi-tea with her, exchanging phone numbers... I was discombobulated and not sure why I did this. Why am I willing to spend my time with her? Oh yeah, I shouldn't forget those dirty intention, ideas and thoughts to employ her for my own good. Yes, that's probably it... But will I take the actions? Do I have the guts to try? Aghhh... I don't know. Maybe yes. Could be a no, I don't think so.

"I am happy to hold a conversation with, you know?" She carried on.
"Miss, I am always being rude to you, didn't pay attention in your class. I scratched your car, I didn't respect you, and I feel bad. I simply don't see why you still willing to waste your time with me."
"I can't see which part of the time I am wasting now." 
Now she started with her pun again. Maybe I was too slow to deliver her words of wisdom, but she taught me to try.
"Me." My answer was greeted with a nod and has awarded me a smile from her lips.
"That's why I like you, Andrey. Through my experience of being a teacher, never have I encountered someone like you. Yea, you're the first, a student I met with this kind of attitude. I mean, I met several problematical students too, but you are my special case. And you know what? As a teacher, it's a challenge to deal with a complex student like you, but as a woman... more than just a challenge, it is an eruption to me, honestly."

Full of confidence, she responded to my fretfulness. The explanation and the word 'eruption" made me laugh a little harder. On the other hand, I like how she defined it. Wow, this is the first time I experience talking with a woman like this. What a gracious experience. How I wish those words came from Sophia. 

She wiped her face with a tissue paper after she held her glasses and laid them on her hair.
"You know I like the way you put those glasses on your hair like that." I let it out and made her smile in the eyes. She's truly astonishing! Undeniable, this irritating teacher is simply remarkable.
"Tell you what... I love the sensation every time I watch you sleep in my class." 
Pinching my arm softly and laughing quietly, I can see that the teacher is not wasting her time with me.
"Yea, right..." Mumbled.
"Andrey, if I tell you I like you more than you could imagine, will you take this as a pleasure or a burden?" At that place, she took up.
"You want the answer or the truth?"
"Supply me an honest, true answer, cos you just heard it right now that I like you more than you could possibly imagine."
"That sounds serious." 
"It is and I'm not gagging." Her tenacity left me frowned while her eager eyes fixed on mine.
"Well, Miss..."
"Just call me Rina..." She cut.
"Yea... sure. That's better. More intimate... Well, Rina... Honestly, of course, it's a pleasure to know someone charismatic like you, a dedicated teacher has a crush on me, but it for sure a burden since I have no clue how to deal with it. Hmm... I am quite tangled… Maybe you can clarify the sentiments you have for me… in detail if it’s OK with you...?" I started to love the sound of her emotions.

She exhaled softly.
"Look, I told you I am gay and I know you are also gay. So we are both homosexuals. Just that you don't have a girl, not yet."
"Aha..."
"OK hmm... I'm concerned about you, and through the times, knowing you at school, I know that I’m attracted to you. Even though you consider me as a strict, annoying, boring teacher, giving you every reason to dislike me, I understand how this irritates you. But under that... I do like you Andrey."
I took my turn to exhale. The words he threw was something beyond my expectations.

"This is pure nonsense but unreasonable things are also capable of creating one masterpiece. I understand if you find it funny or ridiculous… But I want you to understand that I am not singing this out just for pleasure or to fool my own self, with this..." She made a short break, gently touching my hand as her eyes clung into my eyes, who's began to feel agitated with the confession.
"It seems crazy, I know. I was confused but I am now very sure of the needs of my heart. It's in love with you."
"Miss... I..."
"It's Rina, honey..." I was nervous, uncertain where I should start but she kept on singing her words, expressing the pictures of her heart.
"And if it's OK, please consider this cos I want us to be together. I am not begging you, as you know I have pride... But, loving you will easily take that away cos I am very sure of what I want... Well, Andrey, today, here, this time, I am proposing you to be my special someone."


That confession pierced my heart. I feel a vibration that I have never felt. At the same time, I was also confused. Clearly explained as she confidently confessed her feelings straight to my face while looking deep into my eyes, allowing me to get a line in her glowing dilated pupils. She had not doubted what she was singing about. That explication left me speechless. Completely. Shocked, amazed, surprised, excited, pleased, delighted. All these elements mixed up in my veins straight to my essence, my brain, spreading through my entire existence.

"Well, you don't need to say anything immediately, but if it's OK, please give it a thought," She added thoughtfully when I left her no reply. The only thing I can do now is just contemplating her expression.
"Yea... I... I have no idea. Indeed, I need some time. It's confusing me even more now... "
"I understand. I was confused too. But I want you to know that you are absolutely wrong if you think that I hate you. No, I don't hate you, Andrey. Never."
"After a spell, Rina... I was full of hate towards you, but straight to my face, you admitted your feelings for me. All these require thorough consideration. Yes, I disliked you and I hated you more after what you did to my bike... But, simply since you taught me the lesson, I begin to think about you... Let me analyse this a little further."
"We have lots of tomorrows." 
Her reply left a smile upon my face, knowing my words have entered her memory.
"But to tell you the truth, Rina... An honest, truthful answer... I can't forget your kiss."

It was the first time in my life, I let the cat out of the bag. I just couldn't hold it. A part of me begins to miss the buzz she planted deep within my sanity, stimulating my senses demanding another thrill, but, on the other side, I was feeling trapped.

"That is a cute explanation from you. Thank you, Andrey. I am very pleased to hear that." With a gorgeous smile, she touched my hand, compassionately. I have to admit that the touch of her hand has touched the deepest side of me.

It was almost seven in the evening when she finally dropped me in front of my house.
''So, I'll pick you up here at 7 tomorrow morning. Just wait." She commanded. I understand better now how she likes the sensation of commanding, I supposed. As I reached the handle to open the door, she took my hand, stopping me from stepping out of her car.

"Can you feel my love for you?" She asked delicately. I got tongue-tied, but my heart encouraging me to gaze deep into her eyes, try to find the earnest truth. She returned my gaze allowing me to dive into her hazel eyes. Those eyes shine as if they could speak to me in their own language. We let ourselves lost at that moment for a few moments.

"Well, if you wish... May I suggest picking up your stuff. Spend the night with me... hmm? What say you, honey? So it won't take you long to think..." She ran her fingers on my face with a little laugh.
"You can’t be patient, huh?" Lowering my voice, as I overlook my nervousness, I moved my face closer to hers. I let my cheek softly rubbing hers, she nodded with the most passionate smile I have ever seen ever since I knew her. That smile made me smile. My heart smiled as well.

“No, I can't wait... How can I, sweetheart? “She whispered gently in my ear. It gave me goosebumps.
"But I can wait if you agree with my suggestion, grab all that you need before I drive us to my house... to heaven..." This teacher is completely out of her mind, I think, but, I love the thrill and the excitement she brings.
"Well, Rina... That is indeed a very sounding idea, but let's give us some time."
"Yea, sure, honey."

Our eyes fixed to each other. Silence took its place when we let ourselves caught in the stillness, appreciating the moment that would become a fine, delicate retention one day, at least for myself. Solidified the memory, before she let me go for the evening, yes, she has left a kiss on my lips. A longer kiss, sweeter than the first one and, of course, I’ll sleep on that kiss.

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